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New President Gives Speech
ROUTERS, March 3, 2001:
The recently sworn-in U.S. President gave a speech today
before an audience.
The new President is the successor to Bill Clinton, whose
legacy continues to be overshadowed by questions about a
series of last-minute pardons, questions that involve not
only the saxophone-playing former President, but also
his wife Hillary, junior Senator from New York and the
only First Lady every to have been elected to public office.
Only days after the special prosecutor's office announced
the termination of the investigation of the first lady's
involvement in the Whitewater affair, a pair of Congressional
panels have convened to investigate allegations that her
husband commuted the sentences of two convicted members
of the New Square community in southern New York, in exchange
for that commmunity's votes in the Senatorial election.
Clinton's successor gave today's speech on the west coast,
the same part of the country recently hit by a major
earthquake, measuring 6.2 on the Richter scale, and
causing billions of dollars in damage to property and
livestock.
Miraculously, casualties in the quake were minimal.
"We are truly blessed," said Morton Hunsdahl, assistant
Governor for natural disasters, "that's what you have
to tell yourself."
After concluding his talk, the new President boarded
Air Force One, en route to somewhere else.
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TECH BEAT
Microsoft Windows 2000 RC2, Windows Media Services, Certificate
Services, Internet Information Services (IIS) 5.0.
Active Directory directory services, performance, management,
security, and application services.
Zero Administration initiative for Windows (ZAW), IntelliMirror,
ADSI, PKI, TAPI, VPN, QoS.
Dynamic Host Configuration Protocol (DHCP), LSD, Dynamic DNS.
Windows Management Instrumentation, Microsoft Management Console,
Windows Task Scheduler.
Distributed filesystem (Dfs), NTFS, COM.
Component load balancing (CLB), Microsoft AppCenter Server.
Network Load Balancing, Cluster Service,
Windows 2000 Advanced Server, Fungi from Yuggoth.
TAPI, MAPI, LDAP, LDIFDE.
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BACK DOOR TO THE TOP FORTY
REUTERS/CLN, Los Angeles, September 14, 1999: Elevators and
health clubs throughout the Western word are filled today
with an upbeat, smoothly-orchestrated song designed to
subliminally promote the concept of heterosexual anal
intercourse, according to music-industry experts.
While the song, "That Way" by the popular pop group
Insert Plausible-Sounding Band Name Here,
might seem at first hearing to discourage this
alternative form of sexual gratification (the number's only
comprehensible lyric is "I don't ever want to hear you
say / I want it That Way"),
experts in subliminal conditioning and moral co-optation
agree that in the case of taboo amatory antics, there's
no such thing as bad publicity.
"In fact," says mass-cultural-conditioning expert Antonio
Swampo, "the [expletive] of [expletive] [expletive] today
in America's [expletive] to new heights of [expletive]."
"That Way" follows in a long if obscure tradition of
imaginative left-wing "entertainment" attacks on public morality,
promising to do for anal intercourse what the Village
People's "YMCA" did for casual homosexual contact, and
Bing Crosby's "Momma's got a Squeeze Box" did for
accordion playing.
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EDITED OUT OF HISTORY Lovable alien character vanishes from "Star Wars" Web site
WEBNOOZ, September 10, 1999: Sci-fi fans and human rights groups
have issued press releases condemning the absence of any reference
to the lovable fleshy-eared alien "Jar-Jar Binks"
on the official Web site of the "Star Wars" movies,
StarWars.com.
Despite the millions of dollars earned by Lucasfilm through sales of
"Jar-Jar" figures, hats, masks, video games, lunch-boxes,
mouse-pads, and marital aids,
the Binks character, a computer-animated collage of
graphics, plastic models, and actor Ahmed Best dressed
in a silly costume, does not appear anywhere on the
extensive Web site.
"It's a disgrace," said Bruce Bellow, spokesman for
Equity Watch, a group that monitors the treatment of
computer-generated aliens who look suspiciously like
members of oppressed minority groups, "and we intend
to sue everyone in sight until something is done!"
George Lucas or Steven Spielberg or whoever it is that
makes those "Star Wars" movies was not immediately
available for comment.
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Y2K: WHAT WAS ALL THE FUSS?
UPI/IPU, New York NY, October 24, 1999: Only a few months ago,
experts were warning of dire consequences from the so-called
"Year 2000 Computer Bug", an obscure programming glitch thought
to be present in everything from microwave ovens to nuclear missles,
and threatening to end the world as we know it.
Yet despite all the furor, dozens of solemn
conferences, briefly skyrocketing sales of generators and survival gear, and
flurries of government task forces, the actual impact
of the "Y2K Bug" has been minimal, and industry leaders
have moved on to other concerns.
Was "Y2K" just hype?
"We're tired of hearing about it, frankly," says Earnest Shubb,
Chief Information Officer of Seledox Industries in Brooklyn.
"We were deluged with warnings and predictions and sales
pitches, but we didn't paid much attention.
And that's paid off!"
According to Shubb, Seledox has experienced no computer
problems related to the Y2K bug since warnings began to appear.
Consultants offering Y2K solutions are, he says, "just selling
snake-oil; but there aren't any snakes!"
While a few Y2K-assistance firms still report strong sales,
a recent Filloma-Wells survey indicates that most enterprises
see no need for action.
"The whole Y2K thing was really overblown," says one Wall Street
analyst.
"Despite all the fuss, nothing much has happened so far,
and we don't really expect it to get any worse in the future."
Kim Charlay, system administrator at an upstate fuel facility,
agrees.
Gesturing at a room full of smoothly-running servers and network
racks, she declares "we haven't spent a cent on 'Y2K' fixes, and
everything's working fine!"
Y2K, she says, "will be remembered as the disaster that wasn't."
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